...according to me.
I have a confession. And it is not a cute confession. It is something that is weighing heavily on my heart tonight, so I thought I would bring it to the blogging world. It's not something I am proud of and it is not something I think I am going to share on facebook, just the loyal readers get a look into this part of my life.
Today, this evening, at around 6:30 pm, I told my oldest son to 'shut up'. I didn't say it in extreme anger, I said it in exasperation. And at 10:11 pm, I am still feeling like crap about it. This isn't a 'woe is me' type of thing, I am trying to work it all out in my head.
The last two days, the kids have been off the hook in terms of not awesome. I love them each so much, but they haven't napped together, Aaron is back to work, and our family's schedule is totally thrown off. They are both teething, and I am still fighting some weird sickness that has been lingering around for the past few weeks. At 5:45 pm, the husband left to go move some of our friends (after only being home for twenty minutes), and the kids had been pretty cranky all day. So, at 5:46, they both started crying. Joseph, he just can't seem to get settled unless he is in my arms, and lil' A wants 'wa wa' (water) or 'num nums' (food of any kind) at all times. As I was getting Joey's bottle ready, they were both crying. Aaron's cry is not quiet, it is not for the faint of heart. I was trying to get them both ready to go over to our friend's house, and had one of those moments when I really thought I was going to lose my mind. So, in an exhale of frustration I said, 'Aaron SHUT UP'. Then, I gave Joey his bottle (maybe more rough than I should have) and said, 'eat this Joseph, please stop crying'. I felt, for three minutes, totally and completely stressed out.
Anyway, those three minutes passed, I took the boys over to our friend's house. The boys were cranky there, and truthfully, it was one of those days when I just wanted to quickly get them home and get them in bed. At around 8:30 pm, that is exactly what I did. Then, I went out in the family room, turned on the Christmas tree, and thought (whilst mindlessly flipping through social networks). And then the guilt hit. And hit hard. I have spoke about this before, but MAN, parenting is harder than I ever imagined. It is with embarrassment now, four hours later, that I think about the fact that I told my not even 2 year old to shut up.
I'm not sure if this has a PLOT TWIST of hopeful something....probably not. I went and got the boy after he had been asleep for awhile. I snuggled him and told him I was sorry for losing my patience with him today. He is sleeping right next to me right now. Of course, I know he won't remember the day his mom told him to shut up. I know he doesn't fully get the words I say to him. But, I think he can tell when I am stressed out or 'less fun' or at the end of my rope (I started describing myself at the end of my rope last night, so you can imagine where I am at right now). As I said sorry, he smiled at me- he is snuggling next to me now, snoring softly.
I guess the hopeful is that I will try to do better tomorrow. I will make a commitment to be a better mom. To turn off the social networking, to smile and play and work patiently through the meltdowns (man, it is hard when they both go at once). I will remember the feeling that I am feeling tonight, like I have failed to love my child like he deserves and I will make a commitment to try not to feel that again- though I am sure I will. I will try, so very hard, to remember to ask for Mary's intercession when I am about to lose my temper, to ask her to help me be patient and loving with the boys that I have been entrusted with. And, I will try to be the best/holiest mom I can be for my family.
That's it for this Friday night, I decided I will share this on facebook, in the name of 'keepin' it real'. Have a happy weekend friends, see you on the other side of it!
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Oh, prayers for you, Mary. We all get that way (I think) and it is so hard. Nothing has humbled me more than mothering. And I NEVER thought that anger was something I struggled with until having kids. And then you feel awful because your mad at a BABY...and then when they are older you realize that they will remember this stuff. I cry just thinking about it. I wish there were a freer way to talk about stuff like this because I don't know many moms who don't struggle with anger once in a while (or often) and there isn't much out there to really help. It's tough, too, because even when you know you're forgiven for sins against your children, that doesn't make the effects go away. It is so so hard. My oldest is now used to hearing me apologize for losing my temper or saying things I shouldn't. ANd in some strange way in which Jesus redeems ugly things, maybe that's a good thing. I can only hope...
ReplyDeleteThank God for Confession... Mothering and wifeing stuff pretty much fills my confessional time these days. Which makes sense, I suppose, since that is how God wants me to become holy, right? Although even Confession is difficult since I don't think the priests REALLY get it when I talk about mothering and how demanding and crazy it can be. I wish there were more awesome spiritual directors for moms available. Sorry for the rambling comment... Hope today is better for you.
Mary, we all have done that (or something like that). Being a Mom is hard and can test your patience a lot. For me, the most important thing for me to do in that situation is to admit my failure to my son and to say I am sorry. And you did that. You are right, Aaron is young and will not remember this incident, but know that we all fall short, Mary. Do not beat yourself up about this. You are doing the most important thing by confessing it and learning from it. You aee a great MOM!!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, if I could count all the times I've been a less than stellar mom and felt guilty about it, well I can't even count that high. Did you know Fr. Jay Mello (a Steubie grad), anyway he is my youngest son's godfather and he taught me a good trick: to make the sign of the cross over your mouth when you are feeling snappy, irritable, snarky, whatever so that you remind yourself not to say something you might regret. It's helped me!!!!
ReplyDeleteColleen that is HILARIOUS that you said that, you had given me that advice before when it came to snapping at my husband. This morning, for the first time, I TOTALLY used it and AND, it worked. Where I could have been sassy, I was loving and we had a really great morning :) Fantastic Advice
DeleteFor real ladies, thank you for your comments. When I wrote this, I was feeling VERY alone and really thinking I was the only person in the WORLD that actually LOSES her temper with her BABY! It doesn't necessarily make it better to know that it is not just me, but it certainly makes me feel less alone. We have had a couple really great days the last couple of days, and I have tried to be really intentional about being more loving. It's funny, when I wrote this post, I was really REALLY embarrassed and even thought that if I shared it, people would could say mean things. Your compassion/advice and understanding meant a lot to me. Thanks!!!
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