Grief is a funny thing. I've never lost anyone this close to me,
this unexpectedly.
In fact, I have never dealt with a loss like this my 34 years of life.
These last couple weeks have been intense- I am sure some of
you can relate.
SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG...
For the last month and a half, but specifically the last two
weeks, I have had this emotional feeling that something is very, very
wrong. And I can’t shake it. You know, the feeling in the pit in your
stomach? When there is a national
crisis, or you've done something wrong, or you are worried about a friend? For the last two weeks- that feeling is
constantly there. It’s interesting to
try to manage life with that feeling. The feeling that something is very, very, wrong.
LIFE DIDN'T STOP
Speaking of managing life, it seems weird to me, for so many
people, life is just proceeding as normal.
My cousin Judy, who has had too much experience in grief, warned me
about this a few weeks ago, when Paul’s illness seemed to be taking a turn for
the worse. She told me that life just
keeps moving for other people. It’s almost like you anticipate the whole world
is going to stop, but it doesn't (nor should it). And that’s weird. It’s weird that every single person on the
planet wasn't profoundly rocked by Paul’s passing. It’s made it a little hard. For the past two weeks I have intentionally
kind of laid low. I plan on laying low
the rest of this week as well. I know at a certain point I need to enter back
into life moving on, but it doesn't seem right yet? Does that make sense?
BUT IT'S PAUL
The reality is hard too.
This picture right here.
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| Photo by Jason Pohlmeier |
It’s
profound right?
It’s Paul’s brothers and
his spiritual brothers, lowering his beautiful casket (made by Annie's brothers) into the ground. I shared it on social media right after I saw
it because it’s so beautiful. A couple
of days ago, the ‘Franciscan University Official Facebook Page’ shared it as
well. They said it celebrated the
meaning of “household” (think Fraternities/Sororities and then add lots of
Jesus). When I saw it, on the FUS page,
I could barely handle it. Because it’s a
picture of PAUL being lowered to the ground, you know? My friend Paul. And it is sheer insanity, that my friend Paul
is being remembered by our university, because 2 months ago, my friend Paul (as
far as I knew) was just fine. How
intense is that? I can’t wrap my head around it.
THIS CAN'T BE REAL LIFE
And then, the other night, I figured out why I keep using
words like, ‘weird’ and ‘surreal’ and ‘bizarre’ to describe my friend leaving so early and so quickly. It helped
frame things for me. But, I’ll admit, it
kind of left me at a loss. You see,
prior to our
spontaneous hospital trip, I had not seen Paul in 1.5 years. The last time I saw his family, our family
had taken our big ‘Dave Ramsey’ trip to scream ‘WE’RE DEBT FREE’ on the
radio. Paul/Annie and the kids met us at
the Financial Peace University. The plan
was we would go to the farm and spend the night after. But, as these things go, I was 7 months
pregnant, in the summer, after travel and frankly, I was so sick. I decided we should just head back to
Michigan rather than stay another night (how much of a bummer is that decision
in retrospect?). We called them and they
were crazy understanding, so we headed back home.
The thing is, in the last 5 years especially, we’d only see
each other once a year if we were lucky.
Marriage, babies and living in different states kept us from seeing each
other more than that. An occasional text
message/facebook message back and forth between Annie and I was the way we
expressed our relationship. Paul’s family and my family didn't see each other regularly, or even contact
each other as a norm. It didn't make us
less close- it’s just the nature of living across the US of A.
I share this because I finally realized why this is all so
weird. It was very possible for me to go
days without thinking about Ann or Paul.
I never had to think about them too much, because I knew eventually we’d
see them again. And, when we did, it
would be like no time had passed. But
then, on that terrible December day, when we found out about the extent of
Paul’s cancer, it’s like everything shifted.
For the past month I have slept with my cell phone by my side, anxious
for any type of update, praying at all hours of the night. And now that Paul has gone to be with Jesus,
I can almost think about nothing else. I
can’t stop thinking about how I will never see him here on earth, how quickly
this all happened, and how it doesn't even seem real. I wake up in the morning thinking about Paul
and Annie (and the kids), I cry throughout the day, I go to bed checking social
media/email/etc… to see pictures of my friend, stories about their family,
anything to make me feel connected
And it’s hard.
Because I can’t believe all that has transpired, and I can’t believe I
won’t be able to do what I always just took for granted… seeing my friend and
his family whenever I wanted. Whenever
we planned. It’s just unbelievable to
me. Like it is for so many of you.
THE BEAUTY
But there has also been such beauty.
I have received so many messages from friends and family,
even strangers. Messages saying they are
praying for Paul, that the witness of Paul’s fight brought them back to the
faith. People who haven’t prayed in
months, or years, inspired by the love of Paul and Ann, turning their lives
back to God.
I have heard countless stories of people choosing to live
differently because they want to be more like Paul. They want to be remembered as being a person
like Paul. #livelikepaul is a hashtag,
but it’s also becoming kind of a movement.
I’d love to say I was putting it in practice more- but I will say I am
trying. And my husband Aaron, who is
naturally more selfless than me, is using #livelikepaul to encourage me when I
get selfish. #livelikepaul is changing lives. My ministry partner is going to use it as a basis for a workshop this
weekend. Isn’t that awesome?
And then, there is
the financial support of Annie and the kids.
Paul tried to get life insurance, but for reasons not really in his
total control, he couldn't make it happen.
Good people have put their heads together and come up with a great idea
to help financially support Paul’s family. I know so many of you have helped
with the gofundme site, and the youcaring site, and the registry. My gosh, a friend of mine who had never met Paul
provided a meal for the workers on the house- it moved me to tears!
The generosity of so many of you has been
amazing, but I've got to ask for your help once more.
Go check out the website
LOVELIKEPAUL.COM (see what they did
there) and prayerfully consider if this is an endeavor you can help with.
I know money is tight for a lot of us, and I
know budgeting can be difficult, but I love that this site gave us
options. Aaron and I will be giving a
monthly donation to the Coakley family, as they begin to relearn life without
Paul’s physical presence. I know it is entirely too much to ask, but would some
of you consider doing it with me? I
really believe we have a primary responsibility as Christians to help each other. Watching Annie and the kids be taken care of
these last few weeks has truly restored some of my faith in humanity. But more than that, I am excited to do
something I know Paul would want from me (and others) to make sure his family
is taken care of.
Grief is an ugly beast I have never met so intimately. I asked my husband the other night, ‘when is
this feeling going to go away?’ and he didn’t have an answer. But working together, with maybe some of your
help, can at least help us to begin to reignite some of the light that was lost
on January 20th.
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| Photo by Janell Brake Miank of one of the very last times I looked at my friend's face |
Thanks for reading… consider sharing the link on your
facebook wall so that we can get Annie’s financial needs met, while she
continues to meet God with her broken heart.
