...according to me.
I have a confession. And it is not a cute confession. It is something that is weighing heavily on my heart tonight, so I thought I would bring it to the blogging world. It's not something I am proud of and it is not something I think I am going to share on facebook, just the loyal readers get a look into this part of my life.
Today, this evening, at around 6:30 pm, I told my oldest son to 'shut up'. I didn't say it in extreme anger, I said it in exasperation. And at 10:11 pm, I am still feeling like crap about it. This isn't a 'woe is me' type of thing, I am trying to work it all out in my head.
The last two days, the kids have been off the hook in terms of not awesome. I love them each so much, but they haven't napped together, Aaron is back to work, and our family's schedule is totally thrown off. They are both teething, and I am still fighting some weird sickness that has been lingering around for the past few weeks. At 5:45 pm, the husband left to go move some of our friends (after only being home for twenty minutes), and the kids had been pretty cranky all day. So, at 5:46, they both started crying. Joseph, he just can't seem to get settled unless he is in my arms, and lil' A wants 'wa wa' (water) or 'num nums' (food of any kind) at all times. As I was getting Joey's bottle ready, they were both crying. Aaron's cry is not quiet, it is not for the faint of heart. I was trying to get them both ready to go over to our friend's house, and had one of those moments when I really thought I was going to lose my mind. So, in an exhale of frustration I said, 'Aaron SHUT UP'. Then, I gave Joey his bottle (maybe more rough than I should have) and said, 'eat this Joseph, please stop crying'. I felt, for three minutes, totally and completely stressed out.
Anyway, those three minutes passed, I took the boys over to our friend's house. The boys were cranky there, and truthfully, it was one of those days when I just wanted to quickly get them home and get them in bed. At around 8:30 pm, that is exactly what I did. Then, I went out in the family room, turned on the Christmas tree, and thought (whilst mindlessly flipping through social networks). And then the guilt hit. And hit hard. I have spoke about this before, but MAN, parenting is harder than I ever imagined. It is with embarrassment now, four hours later, that I think about the fact that I told my not even 2 year old to shut up.
I'm not sure if this has a PLOT TWIST of hopeful something....probably not. I went and got the boy after he had been asleep for awhile. I snuggled him and told him I was sorry for losing my patience with him today. He is sleeping right next to me right now. Of course, I know he won't remember the day his mom told him to shut up. I know he doesn't fully get the words I say to him. But, I think he can tell when I am stressed out or 'less fun' or at the end of my rope (I started describing myself at the end of my rope last night, so you can imagine where I am at right now). As I said sorry, he smiled at me- he is snuggling next to me now, snoring softly.
I guess the hopeful is that I will try to do better tomorrow. I will make a commitment to be a better mom. To turn off the social networking, to smile and play and work patiently through the meltdowns (man, it is hard when they both go at once). I will remember the feeling that I am feeling tonight, like I have failed to love my child like he deserves and I will make a commitment to try not to feel that again- though I am sure I will. I will try, so very hard, to remember to ask for Mary's intercession when I am about to lose my temper, to ask her to help me be patient and loving with the boys that I have been entrusted with. And, I will try to be the best/holiest mom I can be for my family.
That's it for this Friday night, I decided I will share this on facebook, in the name of 'keepin' it real'. Have a happy weekend friends, see you on the other side of it!
The Break of Spring
1 day ago