On the Redefinition of marriage

WARNING:

This is one of them ones where I am going to have an opinion on things that hit pretty close to home for people. Read with caution, or skip.  If you decide to comment…as they say, ‘keep it classy!’

Last week Aaron and I got in a pretty gross fight. Truth be told, it's been a tough couple months. The cold and the snow have trapped me indoors, making me less than the happy spouse Aaron signed on to marry. I've been feeling like I could use a little more hand holding and nice words. He has been feeling like he could use a little more respect and honor. We've been missing each other a bit. But last week, after a pretty big fight, Aaron said it. Something I didn’t think he’d ever say.

"I don't know how much more I can take of this"

That was big, it cut deep. "What's that supposed to mean?" I yelled. We didn't speak the rest of the night. He left the next day in silence. In midmorning I called him and asked if he could come home at lunch, so we could talk. While the boys played on the floor we had a healing conversation. "You can never say things like that Aaron", I told him, and “you can never threaten to be done.” He reminded me I say things like that all the time! "It's different, you are my husband, we have three kids, being done can't even be an option!” I cried, a bit hysterical. Even though Aaron was sweet and understanding- there was a smile behind his eyes. "I wasn't talking about leaving you; I was done with you in the moment". I calmed down and remembered Aaron and I are in it for the long haul. It's going to take more than some hard times and a couple fights to break up our promise. We both fully understood on the day we were married what our covenant meant. Unlike most couples, we knew we weren't marrying each other's personality or physical characteristics.  On the day we were married, we committed to choosing the whole of each other for the good of each other with the possibility of children. Our marriage has not been redefined. Difficult? Yes. More challenging than we ever imaged? Yes. Re-definded? No.

I was watching "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" a few months back (because clearly, I only view quality television). The main couple, Bruce and Kris Jenner, announced their separation to their children.  One of the kids, Kim (of the infamous sex tape, with two, maybe three marriages already under her belt) stated her support, “We want you to be happy, and if you are not happy in your marriage, we support you leaving it”- The Kardashians, they have bought the redefinition of marriage.

A couple weeks ago, many of you read when Gwyneth Paltrow announced her separation from Chris Martin after more than a decade of marriage.  She didn’t call it separation though, or even divorce.  As I am sure you have heard by now, she called it a, ‘conscienceuncoupling’.  But wait, it gets better.  She went on to explain that marriage is kind of a stale institution.  SURE, it might have worked when people died at earlier ages, but now that we live so long, HECK!  It’s unnatural to spend 50-60 years with the same person.  My friend ERIN wrote a good piece on this.  Gwen and Chris, they've bought the redefinition of marriage.

A blog I read, but I don’t really love (do you ever do that? Don’t say mine!) had a piece on the process of ending relationships in a good way, with as little damage as possible.   The piece was fascinating, you can judge for yourself, but what shocked me was her assertion that successful couples are rare.  Those who choose to stay together, even when things aren’t awesome, do so out of denial of their best self, their truth, etc… They do  so because they are scared, or weak.  They do so when they shouldn’t.  Her piece was so matter of fact.  She bought the redefinition of marriage. 

Lots of my peers are reaching that 7-10 year itch point. I was talking with a good friend who told me that most of the couples, MOST of the couples she knew who married around the same time as her/her spouse are now divorced.  There’s lots of reasons, but most often I hear,  ‘not happy’, ‘my spouse is not who I thought they were’, ‘we weren't in love'.  You see, we are buying the redefinition of marriage. Regularly.

So much so, that I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say marriage was redefined radically and profoundly a very long time ago.  When happiness became the end goal, artificial birth control the norm, and no-fault divorce an easy out…THAT is when marriage was redefined.

And, it was a huge departure from historical norms. 

You know who I respect?  I respect couples who have stayed together.  Together when it sucked. Even for years and years of awful.  I respect the couples who have found their way back to each other through the battlefield they created in years of bad communication. I respect couples who have forgiven the unforgivable, held on, even if sometimes just barely, one finger on the ledge as the world tries to suck them down.  Those are the couples I need to make my example, not the ones who parade around in a cloud of emotional gush (And you know I love me some emotional gush)…because those are the couples who have not allowed marriage to be redefined.

 

And to those of us invested in the wider, ‘marriage fight’.  Who work to ensure the institution is protected from the so called evils that are after it.  I can’t be mad at you, I really can’t.  But, I must caution, we are talking to a generation, even generations, who have know idea what marriage is- so our words, they fall on deaf ears.  They do.not.make.sense.   

I guess I just think, most of the time, we are going about this all wrong. Instead of pointing out what authentic love is/is not….we let the misunderstanding guide the conversation.

I’m gonna try not do that anymore.

Oh, and to love my husband better.

The.end.