INDEPENDENCE...

…or lack thereof. (this is just a ramble)

I have always been quite an independent person. I love to travel.  And in my travels, I have been all over the world, including five continents. While exploring new cities,  I ALWAYS made sure to solo travel. Sometimes, that meant an afternoon walking around Venice by myself, a subway ride through NYC, or popping in my headphones while walking Rome watching people.  Sometimes it was more extreme.  Solo travel included going to Belfast by myself for two days, because no one wanted to go with me.  It included walking around Jerusalem, by myself, till I got lost and started panicking in an alleyway…how would I ever get back to the hotel (the Israeli soldiers with huge guns kind of added to the intensity of that experience)?  My point is, I was not someone that had much fear when it came to travel.

I have always been a person that enjoys alone time.  That always surprises people because I am QUITE extroverted.  However, those that know me best, know that an evening at home, by myself, with a journal and some bud light used to be one of my favorite things in the world. I have always loved an empty house and the feeling that comes with flying solo.

But all that, officially has changed and changed pretty drastically. The struggle in my head is that I actually don’t mind the change, though popular thought today might think my next reflections are reDONKulous.

 I do NOT like to be without my husband and child.  I am not saying this for cheesiness sake, but when big Aaron is even at work, I miss him a little. Not the aching miss, but I miss him enough that when he gets home for the day, I am genuinely excited.  I sometimes wait, like a little kid, by the door for him to pull up.  When I have to work late nights, the 20 minute ride home seems like an eternity.  Truth be told, sometimes I call him, just to talk to him before I get home ;)  Working away from lil’ Aaron is a painful experience for me, and sometimes I run to my parent’s house just to see him smile before going back to work.   Being in Spain this summer, for two weeks without either of them, was a terrible experience.  I cried for weeks after, just thinking about how much I missed them.

I have wanted to visit my sisters in Kentucky for several months now, but Big Aaron has not been able to go due to work, so I kept putting it off.  Finally, I decided, with or without Aaron I was going to make a commitment to go.  I had decided that before, but when the trip came close, I would always cancel.  This time, I was bound and determined not to cancel.  All week I begged Big Aaron to come, and all week he told me it just wasn’t possible.  So, Friday came, and thankfully I had convinced my mom to join us for the drive.  She convinced my sister Annie, so the four of us headed out to Kentucky, but I felt REALLY uneasy about going without my husband.  Lots of people said how silly that was, and I felt silly for having such a silly thought, and tried to block out the fears I had.

The ride down was one of the most awful experiences of my life.  At times, my rockstar mom was driving through rain, I HATE driving in rain.  At one point, she drove through straight ice from a hail storm that we apparently just missed.  The good news? We missed most storms and by the time we hit Kentucky, I started to relax a bit.  That is when I heard my mom scream, ‘what the hell is he doing?’.  I looked up to see  a man walking on the highway towards our car.  To describe what it is like to see a man, on the highway, walking towards your car is quite impossible, it was nothing short of terrifying.  Mom had to hit the brakes, she was screaming, lil’ Aaron started crying, I started praying outloud, CERTAIN that someone was going to hit us from behind.  We swerved to miss the man, and I (sitting in the back seat) tried to roll down my window to yell at him.  That is when I saw him walk back into the center of the lane, and continue walking towards a truck. I, thank GOD, I had the foresight to turn around when he was about 10 ft from being hit by the truck.  We were all terribly shook up, certain the man was trying to commit suicide and be hit by a car.  Mom called 911 via onstar, we were all crying.  The tension in the car was palpable and honestly, I thought I was close to a panic attack.  It was the scariest things I have seen. I tried to text Big Aaron/my sister and they weren’t responding.  For a split second I had irrational thoughts about the world ending which is why a man would be walking in the center of a highway (irrational, I know).  The tension in the car was at such an all-time high that about 45 minutes later we all ended up in one of the worst screaming fights we have ever been in (more  on that in a future blog).  It was awful.

When we finally got to my sister’s house and things had calmed down enough to call Big Aaron, I was near the point of breaking. I could barely talk to him I was crying so hard, I kept telling him I knew I shouldn’t have gone without him and I will never go again. I told him, when my mom hit the brakes, I was CERTAIN that we were going to hit from behind and lil' Aaron would be hurt or worse.  I told him I was scared to drive back- and what was I thinking doing this trip without him?

At about 11:30 pm, I fell asleep, mostly from being so spent physically and emotionally.  Waking up in the morning, I was in a pretty crabby place.  Aaron and I spoke briefly on the phone (sweet guy called me first thing) and we went about our day.  About 8 hours later, my brother in law Matt said, ‘hey, look who it is?’ and I looked out the window.  My love, the best man I have ever known, was parking in the street.  The husband had changed his mind, drove all the way to Kentucky and was at my sister’s house.  I held/hugged him for a long time, and a few tears fell. I couldn’t believe he had come. I was so happy I wouldn’t have to ride home alone. I felt like I was complete again.

To some, this is probably an over-dramatic story.  MOST, would not understand my dependency on my husband.  And I can imagine some, (the women who might describe themselves as secular feminists) might want to scream when they read this next part...

I am no longer independent AND I don’t want to be.  I lived that life for most of my twenties.  I know what independence is and the joy that comes with it and I am completely comfortable admitting that I am now dependent on my husband and child.  That doesn’t mean I am co-dependent.  I have the ability to make decisions for myself AND anybody that knows me, knows that I give my husband a run for his money when it comes to not allowing him to steer the ship solo.  However, I have decided, after this weekend, I am no longer going to feel bad about being completely dependent on my spouse, my children and our family.  I won’t ‘push’ myself to travel without one part of our family…because our family is a unit.  ‘where we go one, we go all’. I know that life doesn’t always make that easy.  My job takes me away from my family from time to time, and that is just fine.  BUT, whenever I have a choice, I won’t be ‘flying solo’ without my spouse anymore and, more than that, I won’t feel bad about it. 

And that is the lesson learned from this weekend!