A mini-breakdown

…happened at the most unexpected time.  You see, many people warn about First Time Mothers being concerned that they won’t be able to love the second child enough.  That is not a thought I have had at all.  I think maybe being part of a big family where each of us kids felt much love helped me to avoid that common feeling.  But last night, something weird happened, that caused a mini breakdown.

This weekend was INSANE (I shall reflect on that in a later blog) because my entire immediate family was in town, which has not happened in a couple of years.  We had my sister’s families staying with us, so our house was pretty crazy busy.  It was a super full weekend and LOTS of stimulation.  If you know me, although I always say I am very extroverted, I REALLY enjoy alone time and quiet.  I thrive on moments of constant stimulation, followed by silence, relaxation, etc…Because of the nature of this weekend, there was little time that we weren’t constantly on the go, surrounded by people, and full of conversation/laughter/stimulation.  That is awesome. However, by last night, when our house was quiet, I was feeling a bit like I was missin’ my son who I had just spent all weekend with.  I just felt like we hadn’t cuddled enough, I hadn’t talk to him enough, and that in between his playing with his cousins (which he LOVED) and being tossed from relative to relative…I didn’t get much time to bond with him.  SO…I decided last night to go into his room while he was sleeping and cuddle him for a few minutes. I decided to pull him out of his crib and rock him for a few moments, just him and I.

And while I was rocking him, I realized something.  He only has a few more weeks of being my baby.  In a couple weeks, he is going to become a big brother. I will have a new little baby, who we will love just as much.  Our family will grow in such a beautiful way.  But, for that moment, last night, I was relishing the fact that my first son was still my baby son.  I realized that it would never by just the ‘three of us’ again (daddy, mommy and lil’ A).  I started crying, slowly and quietly at first, and then I called to Aaron (the husband) to come see us.  When he walked in the room I shared with him that Aaron will never be our baby son again, he will be the big brother and these are the last few weeks of our family of three. As I was explaining that, I started to cry even harder. I mean REALLY crying.  Aaron asked if I was sad about that and, truth be told, was a bit confused by my emotional reaction.  I am NOT sad about having a second son, but I realized that our family really is moving forward quickly.  I am forgetting to cherish all the moments we have. I am realizing that before we know it our children will be grown. 

Aaron at the Splash Pad today

We took family pictures this weekend, and it was amazing to see my parents surrounded by 17 of their 19 grandchildren (two are still cookin’).  It is crazy to think that my mom once held her first born son in a rocker, as she prepared to meet her next child.  My parents have both shared how they can’t believe how fast time has flown by and how proud they are of the legacy that they and God have built together though their children.  I realized as I held our baby boy, who is now not so much a baby, that time will fly by and I need to hold on to each moment we have. 

The tears have dried today, the mini breakdown has passed, but I have tried to be more present to my oldest son.  These last few weeks of pregnancy are special for so many reasons, but one of them is they are the last weeks it will just be him and I.  And I intend to savor every moment of it J