The Place that I have Come to Fear the Most

Caution- This one’s gonna talk about some tough stuff.  You might want to skip it.

My husband always asks why I read things that upset me, scare me, etc… I don’t know why I do it and I have gotten better about not.  But, today, I’d like to talk about some of those things.

Did ya hear?  I got a new van!   And it is shiney and white.  It has two side mirrors that work (my old car only had one) and it is way bigger than my Saturn Ion!  Today, while driving to my doctor’s appointment, I thought to myself, ‘I actually feel so much safer driving this than my old car, and that will make it easier to drive with the boys’.  You see, I get nervous sometimes driving with both kids in the car.  When I am switching lanes, I obsessively check to make sure there REALLY isn’t another car next to us.  Sometimes, my thoughts get dark and I think about what I would do if I was in an accident and one of them or both were hurt.  Driving in the car is such a game of roulette when you think about it.  And, occasionally, it makes me really nervous.

When I arrived at my doctor's office,  I was waiting and flipped through the news.  And I saw that a little boy who had been beaten by his mother’s boyfriend had passed away at the hospital.  He was two.  I read the story yesterday. It made me call lil’ Aaron over and hold him  REALLY tight.  The boy was shaken and thrown across the room.  It made me sick.  His injuries were too much for him to sustain.  He was TWO.

Sometimes I think about what I would do…

If someone harmed my child…

If my child was kidnapped...

If my child had an incurable disease…

If, God forbid, I had to make ‘Sophie’s choice’ (someone told me about this little gem a few years ago and it has haunted me since)..
If we were attacked, and at war, and my children were threatened...
If we had no food and I had to watch my child starve to death...
If our house was broken into and bad men tried to hurt the kids...

What would I do? How would I survive. 

I mean, I think about these things. And the fear is sometimes paralizing. 

Parenting is some crazy shiznatch isn’t it?  To love with such intensity you are one step away from a nervous breakdown at all times. 

I remember when lil A was born, it seemed like every news story was about child abuse or tragedy. I had posted, in a note on FB (before the ol'blog came along)that I found myself being full of rage at people who would harm children. A new rage I wasn't familiar with, and was trying to decide how to handle. Several more experienced mothers assured me it was normal. And suggested I take those feelings to prayer. They said obsessing over darkness in the world is not from The Lord and is a temptation that must be fought.

And so too, with my fears, I take them to prayer. I have to. A short St.Michael prayer. A quick request for Jesus to give me peace and take the fear away. You see, in my faith tradition, fear and anxiety are normal, but not welcomed. We have a God who loves, who has counted every hair on our heads. And, if by some awful twist of fate, something tragic is happens. We have a God who meets us with grace to pull us through. So, the fears that sometimes plague me, have no place in my life.  And that is why I, usually try to meet them with prayer.

How do you deal with the places you have come to fear the most? What are your favorite prayers when fear grasps you? Hook a sister up with some thoughts...