Equal but different
It’s how I love them
It fills me with pride and constant terror that I am not doing it right.
You see, Lil’ A- well he is funny as heck (hell). He makes me laugh. When I sing, he says, ‘stop singing mommy, it hurts my ears’. He fake falls from chairs. He knows he has me wrapped around his finger, and he uses it at EVERY.SINGLE.CHANCE he gets. He is the first boy to wake me up most mornings, ‘mommy!!!’ he cries. And my heart leaps! Why? Because the first word out of his lips is mommy. Little Aaron? Well I love him differently than the other two. He helps me believe in miracles.
You see, lil’ Joey. He is a soulful one. His laugh is so deep it stops me in my tracks. His eyes are so stunning in their questions that sometimes my greatest fear is I am not going to be able to match his sensitivity. When I am upset, I am confident he fully understands why. He needs more snuggles than the average kid (which we figured out through trial and error). He hugs better and holds longer than any kid I have ever known. Joey Mike? Well I love him differently than the other two. He helps me understand who I am.
You see, little John Paul. He teaches me. Do you know I have wished away the other boy’s ‘newborn stage’? True story. It’s hard. It makes me tired. But, with JP, I haven’t wished it away. I am in awe of his infancy. I delight in holding him, my hand cupping his head. Smelling his newborn smell and spending time with him in the middle of the night. I hate not sleeping, but I sense something about this child. Something great. Something unusual. Something that draws me to stay up with him in the wee hours of the morning. John Paul? Well I love him differently than the other two. He helps me understand this finite life.
So you see, I promise I love each of my boys. I love them radically, I love them passionately, and I love them with the fullness of who I am. But I have recently discovered….I love them very, very differently…yet equally.